Things That Make Me Laugh

Things that make me laugh
The introduction to Better off without a wife that Tom Waits gives on Nighthawks at the Diner. In fact, any of the patter on that album. Wish I’d seen him live.

“For all the bachelors out there tonight. Yeah, for anybody who’s ever whistled this song (plays the wedding march). Or maybe you’ve whistled it but you’ve lost the sheet music. Eh-heh-heh-heh. This is eh…. Well, actually, I don’t mind going to weddings or anything. As long as it’s not my own, I show up. But, eh… I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. You know… (whoops from the audience). Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Yeah… Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! Yeah, I know.
Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. You know… Well, I ain’t cheap, you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, you know. Then you’ll be… some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house, you know, and you… Oh yeah, you’re smooth with it… you know, you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on like… you know… like shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive, you know. And then, you know, and eh… slide over real nice, you know, say, ‘Oh, I think you have something in your eye’. Eh-heh-heh. Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, you know! It ain’t… you know…
Take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe… I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. ‘Would you like to listen to some of my back records? I got someting here…’ Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and… there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around… I’ll confess, you know, I’m no different, you know. I’m not weird about it or anything, I don’t tie myself up first! I just… you know. I just kind of… spend a little time with myself.”