“My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool.” —Jonathan Swift.

“My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool.” —Jonathan Swift.
For one night a year, New York turns into London. By eleven o’clock, the streets are full of grown-ups staggering, snogging, and spoiling for a fight. No wonder people throw up.

1. Do not arrive at an Irish bar at 10 p.m. on St. Patrick’s Day, raw with sobriety, brain buzzing with office to-do lists.
2. You ignored # 1. Okay, do not make eye contact with any drunk in the guard of honor that lines your path to the bar/bathroom.
3. Don’t you listen to a word of my advice? Do not respond to the slurred ‘Iri’ girlsh all’ve boo’ful eyesh’. They think you have four booful eyesh.
4. Will you never learn? They’ve been here for 14 hours. Anyone who hasn’t scored by now thinks spilling Amstel Lite down your front is foreplay. That’s why they’re still here.
5. Grasshopper, be tolerant. Do not expect drunk frat boys to express interest in your inner life. And stop asking if they’ve read Atonement yet.
6. No, that boy with the glittery shamrock on his forehead is not cute. Go home.